Those Three Guys
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Bearing the dubious distinction of being the first "major" villains ever defeated by Son Goku, Pilaf and his loyal henchmen have gotten dismally little attention in fanfiction. This collection... theoretically... aims to remedy that.
1. Too Many Gokus

**Those Three Guys**

A _Dragonball_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: K+

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Pilaf, Mai, Shu; [hints of Mai x Trunks]

Summary: Bearing the dubious distinction of being the first "major" villains ever defeated by Son Goku, Pilaf and his loyal henchmen have gotten dismally little attention in fanfiction. This collection... _theoretically_... aims to remedy that.

* * *

"OH MY GOD! THERE'S A WHOLE _RACE_ OF HIM?!"

Emperor Pilaf screamed like a little girl. Mai, who actually _was_ a little girl, gave the inexplicably pointy-eared, blue-skinned bald midget a very dirty look.

"Not anymore," she said. "Trunks told me their home planet was destroyed nearly forty years ago."

"A WHOLE **RACE!**" Pilaf shrieked again, completely ignoring Mai's words. "OH, SATAN, WHY?!"

"Wait, do you mean Satan the martial artist, or Satan the demon?" wondered the ninja dog Shu/Shao/Soba/Fido.

"Huh? There's a martial artist named Satan?" said Mai.

"Wait, there's a _demon_ named Satan?" said Pilaf at the exact same time.

Shu stared at them.

"Well, the former's also known as Hercule..." the dog said. "...or Mark."

"_Mark?_" said Mai. "What a weird name."

"I know, right?" said Shu. "No wonder he goes around calling himself Mr. Satan. I would too, if my parents gave me such a bizarre name."

Pilaf nodded sagely. "That kind of thing messes a kid up," he agreed. "Fortunately for me, my parents gave me a perfectly respectable name."

He then paused.

"...Wait. What were we talking about again?" the self-proclaimed emperor wondered, frowning quizzically.

"An invincible alien warrior race called the Saiyans," Mai supplied. "And how that kid Goku is one of them."

"Ah, yes." Pilaf smiled, nodding. He then threw his hands up in the air and began running around in circles. "_Ahem_."

He resumed screaming like a little girl.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH—! WHY IS THERE A WHOLE _RACE_ OF HIM?! **ONE WAS BAD ENOUGH!**"

* * *

A/N: I watched _Battle of the Gods_ yesterday. Or, rather, a nigh unintelligible sub of it. Which was a mildly surreal experience.

I loved it. And all the more, perhaps, because I didn't get into _Dragonball_ until I was an adult. Some people might nitpick the details and groan about this or that character not getting enough screentime, or SSJ godmode not looking nearly blonde and muscly enough.

I don't care about that. The fighting was nice, but that's not what I enjoyed about the movie. I would have loved it, I think, even if it had contained zero violence.

What I loved about the movie was the humor. Most especially the triumphant return of Pilaf and crew. Which inspired me to write this thing.

**Updated:** 8-21-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


	2. The Great Cookie Heist

**Those Three Guys**

A _Dragonball_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: K+

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Pilaf, Mai, Shu; [hints of Mai x Trunks]

Summary: Bearing the dubious distinction of being the first "major" villains ever defeated by Son Goku, Pilaf and his loyal henchmen have gotten dismally little attention in fanfiction. This collection... _theoretically_... aims to remedy that.

* * *

Pilaf looked up at the cookie jar. It was sitting on the top shelf in the kitchen. This put it over five feet above the ground.

Needless to say, this was well of Pilaf's reach.

"MAI!" he shouted irritably. "SHU! GET IN HERE, YOU SLACKERS!"

There was no response.

Pilaf waited for several seconds, but nobody appeared to help him.

"_Gentle loving pacifist_," he swore, the foulest curse he could think of. "What's the point of hiring tall people to do all your dirty work if they're _never around to get stuff from the top shelf?!_"

A beat.

Pilaf blinked.

"Oh yeah, they're not actually any taller than me now, are they?" he mused. "Since we somehow got turned back into kids _through no fault of my own_."

He nodded, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Yes, now that I think about it, they aren't much use now that they're the same height as me, are they? They can't reach the top shelf, or... um, reach the top shelf."

He paused, frowning.

"Well, honestly, that's the only reason I've kept those incompetent losers around for as long as I have, isn't it?" Pilaf said to himself. "That Mai's always been about as sharp as a butter knife, and not much prettier, but at least she used to be _tall_. And as for Shu..."

Silence.

A moment passed as Pilaf tried to think of _some reason_ he'd kept Shu around for so long. Even full grown, the dog hadn't been much taller than him.

"...well, I'm sure I had a _very good_ reason for keeping him around all these years."

Pilaf hummed, and gave one final, wistful glance at the jar of cookies.

"Alas, it seems the sweet spoils of victory shall remain forever beyond my grasp!" he theatrically opined.

Mai and Shu chose that moment to appear in the kitchen, carrying a large, colorful box labeled _FRESH DELICIOUS COOKIES_.

Using his flawless powers of deduction, Pilaf concluded that it _probably_ held cookies of some kind. Probably fresh, and quite possibly delicious.

"Aha!" Pilaf laughed victoriously, grinning (evilly) at his two minions. "It looks like you two have earned the right to continue serving me another day." He held out his hands, palms face up. "Now give me those cookies."

Mai and Shu looked at each other. They had cookie crumbs on their faces.

"No way," said Mai. "These are our cookies."

"Yeah," Shu agreed. "Get your own."

"GIMME!" Pilaf snapped, all pretenses of sophistication forgotten in light of this crumb-faced impudence.

Shu and Mai traded another look.

"Fine," they said, shrugging. They handed Pilaf the box, and he eagerly tore it open.

It was empty.

"SON OF A _PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE WOMAN!" _Pilaf swore.

* * *

A/N: I got this idea at work. The basic concept is arguably an homage to _Rugrats_, which I loved as a kid.

...I was not, however, as fond of _All Grown Up. _And the less said about that crossover movie with _The Wild Thornberries_, the better. If only because the latter killed Klasky-Csupo. [sic?]

(I original conceived of _gentle loving pacifist_ as the foulest curse imaginable in the Saiyan culture. XD)

**Updated:** 8-21-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


	3. Bit Part Theater

**Those Three Guys**

A _Dragonball_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: K+

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Pilaf, Mai, Shu; [hints of Mai x Trunks]

Summary: Bearing the dubious distinction of being the first "major" villains ever defeated by Son Goku, Pilaf and his loyal henchmen have gotten dismally little attention in fanfiction. This collection... _theoretically_... aims to remedy that.

* * *

"Hey, do you really think this is a good idea?"

The surprisingly sensible ninja dog Shu nervously glanced left and right. He looked tense, a paw on the hilt of his mini-katana.

A small, pink domicile occupied the center of a similarly small island, the words _Kame House_ scrawled across the front. A sea turtle was basking in the sun, with a vaguely familiar old man reclining in a folding chair on the sand beside it.

The man appeared to be giggling as he read a dirty magazine.

"Of course it is!" Pilaf hissed, glaring daggers at Shu. "It's just an old man and a turtle. There's no way they can stop us!"

Mai blushed, pointedly avoiding looking in the direction of the old man and his magazine.

"I don't know," she said hesitantly, her face as red as a tomato. "If he's the kind of person to enjoy something like _that_... who knows how twisted he must be?"

Pilaf blushed. Shu stared pointedly at a particularly fluffy cloud.

"W-Well, that's irrelevant," Pilaf stammered, nervously clearing his throat. He refused to look Mai in the eyes. "It's not like we're here for his magazines, after all!"

"Eh? Then why ARE we here, sir?" Shu asked, sounding genuinely confused by this.

A vein bulged in Pilaf's forehead.

"_You nincompoop!_" he snapped. "Don't you know anything? That man is the legendary Turtle Hermit! He is said to possess all manner of powerful magical artifacts. Like the Bashou-Sen! Or the Kinto'un! No doubt he has a vast treasure trove filled with enchanted relics! With just one or two of those, it would be no problem for us to take over the world!"

Unnoticed to Pilaf and his partners in crime, Roshi and Umigame glanced sidelong at where the trio of age-regressed villains were hiding, just around the far corner of Kame House.

_Sounds like we've got ourselves a couple of would-be crooks,_ Roshi mused.

_Shouldn't we do something about them?_ the sea turtle Umigame inquired.

Roshi grinned.

"Hehehehe..."

He leered at a particularly nice centerfold, a bit of blood trickling from his nose.

The turtle let out a longsuffering sigh.

"_Master Roshi_..." he grumbled.

Mai, Shu, and Pilaf did not notice this exchange. They were rather busy with one of their own.

"...so, while you and Shu sneak inside, I'll wait out here with the submarine," Pilaf finished explaining his rather simple and obviously fishy plan.

Mai and Shu stared at their boss, visibly unimpressed.

"Gee, this wouldn't happen to be like that time you told us to finish off that kid after he destroyed your castle, would it?" said Shu, his eyes half lidded.

"And ran away the second we had our backs turned?" added Mai.

Pilaf was silent for a moment. He promptly looked away from Mai and Shu.

"...Well, no plan is perfect," he said, blatantly evasive.

Shu and Mai face-faulted.

"Boss..." whined the dog.

"Lord Pilaf..." Mai sighed.

"Ehehe..." Pilaf chuckled, sheepishly scratching the back of his neck. "Well, alright then. I guess I can afford to supervise the two of you just this once."

He went over to the submarine, pressing a button and reducing it to capsule size. Stowing the capsule into his pocket, he then turned to face his two henchmen. He struck what he probably thought was an appropriately impressive pose, but really he just looked like a mime stuck in a box.

Shu and Mai saluted nonetheless.

"Now let's go steal us some magical artifacts!" Pilaf declared.

"Sir, yes sir!" his two minions chorused.

The three of them turned around, prepared to do some breaking and entering...

...and found themselves face-to-face with a walking, talking pig.

Oolong stared at Pilaf, Mai, and Shu.

Pilaf, Shu, and Mai stared at Oolong.

"Hey, aren't you Emperor Pilaf?" the pig said. He glanced at the three shrunken former villains.

Pilaf paled.

"E-Eh...?" he said nervously, throwing his voice in a half-baked attempt at disguising himself. "I-I have no idea who this Emperor Pilaf is, but he sounds very handsome. And tall."

He didn't look Oolong in the eyes.

Oolong stared at Pilaf, Mai, and Shu. He looked distinctly unimpressed.

"No, you're definitely Pilaf," he said. "I'd recognize that stupid look on your face anywhere."

Pilaf's face turned a vibrant shade of maroon.

"Y..._Your _face is stupid!" he snapped, hopping mad.

She grabbed his mini-katana. Mai took out a small gun.

Oolong still looked unimpressed.

A moment of tense silence passed between the four.

BOMF

Smoke enveloped Oolong's form. Shu, Pilaf, and Mai shielded their faces, coughing. Seconds later, the smoke cleared.

In Oolong's place now stood a giant, tailed ape.

"Boo," said Oozaru!Oolong.

Pilaf and gang screamed like little girls.

Then they fainted.

* * *

A/N: Special thanks to Sprintingfever, whose reviewed both chapters so far, and Emotionally crippled reader, who gave me the idea to use some other minor!main characters in this. Haha. :D

(Man, how many years has it been since 8-Bit Theater ended?)

**Updated:** 8-23-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


	4. Guns are Useless

**Those Three Guys**

A _Dragonball_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: K+

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Pilaf, Mai, Shu; [hints of Mai x Trunks]

Summary: Bearing the dubious distinction of being the first "major" villains ever defeated by Son Goku, Pilaf and his loyal henchmen have gotten dismally little attention in fanfiction. This collection... _theoretically_... aims to remedy that.

* * *

Mai let out a girlish yelp when the tiger leaped out from the brush.

"AAAAH! GET AWAY!" she squealed, drawing a gun and shooting.

Bullets pinged off of the tiger's nose, not seeming to do any visible damage. The large cat recoiled nonetheless, yowling in a deep bass and flinching as if pained.

"RAAAWR!" it said. In tiger, this meant: _"Ow, that hurt!"_

...or, _"Hah! That tickles. I didn't even feel a thing, you arrogant fool! Not even a scratch on me."_

...or even, _"Hello, sir, might I interest you in a new model of vacuum cleaner?"_

... ... ...It was a very nuanced language.

But whatever the tiger meant to say, it scampered off nonetheless. Even though none of the bullets had actually penetrated its hide.

Mai let out a breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding.

"Th-that was close..." she murmured, pale and shivering. Despite the fact that she managed to find a military-style overcoat in her size, Mai nonetheless appeared to be visibly shaken. "It's lucky that tiger was just a door-to-door salesman, or I might have been in serious trouble."

The fact that there were no doors in this jungle for the tiger to go 'door-to-door' to did not seem to cross her mind.

Ferns and palm fronds shifted behind Mai, a faint rustling sound that caught the nervous lass by surprise. _Snap_, went a single twig underfoot, and she spun around, brandishing her gun. She was on edge, and her finger was nervously twitching just above the trigger.

"S-Stay back, or I'll sh-sh-shoot!" she stammered anxiously, obviously jumpy.

The displacement of foliage came closer, leaves starting to rustle nearer and nearer to the dark-haired former adult. She squeaked out a few more warnings, white as a sheet, but her threats went unheeded by this stalking menace.

At the last possible minute, with the rustling foliage nearly right on top of her, Mai saw the shadowy figure in the bushes.

"AIEEEEEE! GO AWAY!"

With that shriek, Mai emptied her cartridge into the silhouette in the bushes. The retort of repeated gunshots echoed in the jungle, birds cawing and taking flight from their roosts in surprise at the return of this noisome disturbance. Brass casings vanished into the thick, ever-present undergrowth.

She pulled the trigger a few more times before realizing that she was out of bullets. The trigger clicked near-silently under her finger, but that minuscule bit of sound seemed deafening compared to the sudden silence.

A second later, however, the quiescence of now-absent birds and beasts was usurped by a high pitched, nasally whine.

"Owwwww! Mai, you jerk!"

Emperor Pilaf staggered out of the bushes, clutching his forehead. Mai could glimpse the beginnings of a bruise under his fingers.

"Oh... it's you," Mai said, a sheepish blush creeping into her cheeks. She bowed low, tucking the empty gun back in its concealed holster. "I thought you were another unwanted solicitor."

Pilaf glared at his female underling.

"You're just lucky guns are completely useless!" he snapped. "If that had been a punch, I might have gotten seriously hurt."

He continued rubbing his sore spot, wincing and whinging.

* * *

A/N: It's amusing how ineffective guns are in _Dragonball_ – apparently, in that universe "peashooter" is a very _literal_ term. XP

...and, yes, I know that only holds true for individuals with high enough power levels, but _honestly_, if you try and suss out the relative physics behind what can and can't hurt people in that universe, you will seriously hurt your head – especially early on in the series, when ordinary humans can still be strong enough to pose something of a threat.

**Updated:** 8-26-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


	5. Pot, Meet Kettle

**Those Three Guys**

A _Dragonball_ oneshot

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: K+

Genre: Humor

Characters/Pairings: Pilaf, Mai, Shu; [hints of Mai x Trunks]

Summary: Bearing the dubious distinction of being the first "major" villains ever defeated by Son Goku, Pilaf and his loyal henchmen have gotten dismally little attention in fanfiction. This collection... _theoretically_... aims to remedy that.

* * *

"Look, Tien. It's a midget!"

The self-proclaimed Emperor Pilaf twitched.

"I'm just a kid!" he snapped, wheeling on the latest person to mock him for his height. "I can still grow bigger! And—!"

He paused, staring in disbelief at the person who was pointing at him. Aside from having the pale, stiff complexion and poise of a _jiang shi_, the individual was more or less the exact same height as him.

Pilaf's face turned an interesting shade of puce.

"How about you look in a mirror before calling someone else short, you shrimp?!" he screeched, hopping up and down angrily. "You're not any taller than I am, shorty!"

The... _person_ simply stared at Pilaf with an unchanged expression for a moment, before stiffly raising a hand to lift... _his?_... yarmulke-like hat to reveal a single long, curly strand of hair. It stood nearly straight up.

"See? I'm taller," he said.

A vein in Pilaf's forehead threatened to pop.

"_Hair doesn't count!_" he bellowed.

The vampire-like little person childishly stuck a tongue out at him.

"You're just jealous, _baldy_."

Pilaf fumed.

* * *

A/N: Been a month or two since I updated this. I now own the first twelve volumes of Dragonball (more specifically the first four _kanzenban_), though, so that should make for a nice point of reference and source of inspiration.

As for the chapter itself, it is basically just a very short, humorous little vignette between Pilaf and Chaozu. The other members of the Reich Pilaf (I officially endorse the English translation of the manga _just for that pun_) don't appear in this, but then the last chapter _was_ basically just about Mai... maybe Shu/Soba will get his own chap next. XD

**Updated:** 10-4-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


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